


Pulling the Puzzles Apart

by Leviosa7



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2016-01-24
Packaged: 2018-05-16 01:09:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5807491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leviosa7/pseuds/Leviosa7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus Lupin had convinced himself long ago that he would never be worthy of love. When he met a young woman, Tonks, she likes to be called, he found himself falling for her. With war on the rise, Remus and Tonks find love but will Lupin's self-destructive ways ruin their relationship? A series of moments in their lives that I explore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Revelations

**August 1997**

Harry, Ron and Hermione sat before me around the table, looks of bafflement on their faces. I hesitated, taking a steadying breath of courage for my next words.

"I'll understand if you can't confirm this, Harry, but the Order is under the impression that Dumbledore left you a mission."

"He did," Harry replied, "and Ron and Hermione are in on it and they're coming with me."

"Can you confide in me what the mission is?"

Harry looked at me, lingering his gaze upon my face as if conflicted. He spoke up in a voice almost indifferent, but I could sense the slight edge of pain in his voice.

"I can't, Remus, I'm sorry. If Dumbledore didn't tell you I don't think I can."

I let my shoulders fall, releasing a gulp of air I didn't know I was holding. Of course, Harry would be just as faithful to Dumbledore's requests as I had been. "Harry is the best hope we have," Dumbledore had said. "Trust him." I felt a small wall of shame wallow up inside me, but I forced it away and replaced it with determination.

"I thought you'd say that," I said, not bothering to hide the disappointment I felt. "But I might still be of some use to you. You know what I am and what I can do. I could come with you to provide protection. There would be no need to tell me exactly what you were up to."

Harry's lips parted slightly before closing again almost instantly. He looked hesitant, as if my words were floating through his mind. I only hoped I had chosen the right words to say, because I couldn't go back to Tonks and my unborn child. I would only slowly cause her life to deteriorate into pain and misery as I had for my mother. She is young, whole, and full of life. I'd hate myself more if I took that away from her.

Hermione was now staring at me, her eyebrows furrowed together and her lips pursed, in puzzlement or disappointment, I couldn't be sure.

"But what about Tonks?" she asked.

Her name seemed to cut through my very being as my mouth suddenly went dry. I swallowed a lump in my throat and forced myself to look at Hermione.

"What about her?" I asked.

"Well," she said, frowning, "you're married! How does she feel about you going away with us?"

I can't answer her directly because Dora doesn't know that I'm asking. I don't want the guilt to cloud my head and consume me, though I'm threatened of suddenly plunging into the depths of my brain like water, and slowly drown in it. I stared at her sternly, leaving out all emotion from my voice.

"Tonks will be perfectly safe. She'll be at her parent's house."

From the moment I said it, Hermione's worried features had become hard and determined. It reminded me of teaching her a new spell during a lesson and she would concentrate so fiercely that nothing could stop the brilliant girl from mastering it. I knew immediately she had seen right through me. Though I predicted she would be stern or harsh even, the thought immediately vanished when she did speak. She used a voice I rarely heard her use with me, as if she was tip-toeing on thin ice, like I might break any second.

"Remus," she said tentatively, "is everything all right...you know...between you and -"

"Everything is fine, thank you," I said.

Hermione turned pink in the face and the air was built in a wall of awkwardness between us.

"Tonks is going to have a baby," I force myself to say.

"Oh, how wonderful!" Hermione squealed.

"Excellent!" said Ron with enthusiasm.

"Congratulations," Harry said.

I forced my lips to curve upwards in what should be a smile like any decent man should feel when learning he will be a father. However, I can't possibly be a decent man otherwise I would have never allowed for any of this to happen.

"So... do you accept my offer? Will three become four? I cannot believe that Dumbledore would have disapproved, he appointed me your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, after all. And I must tell you that I believe that we are facing magic many of us have never encountered or imagined."

Ron and Hermione both looked at Harry.

"Just – just to be clear," he spoke. "You want to leave Tonks at her parents' house and come away with us?"

"She'll be perfectly safe there, they'll look after her." I tried my best to muster a strength and certainty in my voice. I almost felt desperate like a child begging for chocolate. I needed Harry to accept me and my offer. But I hid behind a mask of the professor I once was, hoping Harry might be convinced of it. "Harry, I'm sure James would have wanted me to stick with you."

Harry inhaled deeply as his chest puffed up before he released it. His eyes squinted at me for an instant through his glasses and he leaned back in his chair casually. "Well," he said slowly. "I'm not. I'm pretty sure my father would have wanted to know why you aren't sticking with your own kid, actually."

His words hit me like a blow to the stomach. They stung me hard, sprinkled with a truth that I was not capable of admitting. The air seemed to drain of warmth, like a draft had chilled my bones. Ron was suddenly very interested in the room, as he achieved avoiding me. Hermione's eyes darted back and forth between myself and Harry, whose gaze had yet to leave me.

"You don't understand," I finally said.

"Explain, then," said Harry, seeming so very like his mother in that moment.

I swallowed, in hopes that my emotions might go down with so I can gain some composure. All I managed to gain was an overwhelming sense of guilt. I needed Harry to understand, to agree with me, to not think less of me even though I might very well deserve it.

"I – I made a grave mistake in marrying Tonks. I did it against my better judgment and I have regretted it very much ever since."

"I see," he said, "so you're just going to dump her and the kid and run off with us?"

I sprang to my feet and heard the crash of my chair toppling over backward. The anger shot through me so suddenly, I felt out of my mind and body, so very like the wolf that I despised. It burnt through me like a wild fire through a forest, seizing every ounce of my control in its flames. How dare he? There was just enough insinuation in his voice, accusing me, like I don't care for Dora or my son. Did he not understand that my caring is the reason why I must neglect my own selfish need and leave, before I ruin their whole lives?

"Don't you understand what I've done to my wife and my unborn child?" The words spilled out of my mouth, every word spiraling me into submission of anger. "I should have never married her, I've made her an outcast!"

I kicked aside the chair I had overturned, half because it blocked my path, half because I needed to hit anything.

"You have only ever seen me amongst the Order, or under Dumbledore's protection at Hogwarts! You don't know how most of the Wizarding world sees creatures like me! When they know of my affliction, they can barely talk to me! Don't you see what I've done? Even her own family is disgusted by our marriage, what parents want their only daughter to marry a werewolf? And the child – the child –"

I gripped my hair in my hands, pulling it, needing to feel the pain.

"My kind don't usually breed! It will be like me, I am convinced of it – how can I forgive myself, when I knowingly risked passing on my own condition to an innocent child? And if, by some miracle, it is not like me, then it will be better off, a hundred times so, without a father of whom it must always be ashamed!"

I felt drained of energy from my outburst, with only a dull, pent-up aggression and anger residing in me.

"Remus!" Hermione whispered, tears in her eyes. "Don't say that – how could any child be ashamed of you?"

For the first time, I didn't feel worthy of Hermione's kindness. I felt, if possible, worse for upsetting her.

"Oh, I don't know, Hermione," said Harry. "I'd be pretty ashamed of him."

I whip my head to look at Harry as the words hit me slowly. For a few moments, every bone in my body felt frozen like someone had binded me. It was like my chest had fallen into my stomach and twisted in pain. I watched Harry jump to his feet and I was sure my breathing stopped.

"If the new regime thinks Muggle-borns are this bad," Harry said, "what will they do to a half-werewolf whose father's in the Order? My father died trying to protect my mother and me, and you reckon he'd tell you to abandon your kid and go on an adventure with us?"

"How – how dare you?" I said, feeling like my blood was boiling inside my veins. "This is not a desire for – for danger or personal glory – how dare you suggest such a -"

"I think you're feeling a bit of a daredevil," Harry said. "You fancy stepping into Sirius's shoes -"

He's taunting me with the death of my only remaining friend, whom I loved like a brother? The words intruded me like a vice wrapping its vigorous arms around me. I think I heard Hermione's voice, but I had not the faintest idea what she said. All coherent thoughts in my head floated out and I was only left with a bottle of emotions, which were being shaken by Harry's glare, out of control and ready to explode.

"I'd never have believed this," Harry said. "The man who taught me to fight dementors – a coward."

I felt weak as the rage over-took me. I drew my wand and aimed it at Harry, though I don't remember doing it or what spell I used. He flew backwards and slammed in the kitchen wall, before he slid to floor. I felt my feet turn as my cloak whipped around my ankles and I stomped my way down the hall. My eyes were wide open, my right hand gripped my wand while my other clenched tightly into a fist.

"Remus, Remus, come back!" I heard Hermione cry, but I had no words for her. No condolences or apology, only a desperate need to get far away from Number 12 Grimmauld Place. I slammed the door shut on my way out, taking a deep breath and, wand in hand, turned on the spot to apparate away.

I looked forward and saw The Leaky Cauldron in front of me and I strode towards its shabby walls. Inside was dark as usual, and a strong smell of alcohol filled the air like someone had spilled drinks multiple times and was too drunk to use tergeo. Few people looked to be inside. Only one man who wore a top hat smoked a pipe as he talked in hushed whispers to a plump, pale-faced woman.

I walked to the bar, in a particularly dark corner, and cleared my throat loudly to Tom's back. He spun around and squinted his eyes at me. "Remus," he said, "back again so soon?"

I grunted in response. "Brandy, double shot," I uttered, "and what's on tap."

He grumbled to himself and bustled around the bar before sliding a small glass toward me with the dark liquid in it. I placed my fingers on the rim of the glass, head in my other hand as I slumped low into the seat. I brought the glass to my lips and swallowed the harsh alcohol that burned my throat. I clicked my tongue to the roof of my mouth in distaste before clearing the glass.

Harry's words rung in my ears like an echo. " _The man who taught me to fight dementors_ – _a coward._ "

I sat fuming, raking the conversation in my head over and over. I closed my eyes and shook my head, groaning into my hands. " _Coward_ ," I mumbled into them. "I'm a coward."

Tom set a tall glass of the beer on tap down in front of me. I reached into my pocket, feeling a small hole as my hand reached the material, and grabbed the coins. I set a galleon and a few sickles down on the old bar counter and replaced the other coins in my pocket. I sipped the beer, welcoming the effects the brandy has had on my brain. _I thought it wise to abandon my wife and unborn child?_ I think. _How could I be such a bloody fool?_

I thought about James and Lily, how they stuck together with their son until the very end, despite any fears or doubts. Dora is not unintelligent, she's clever and brilliant, and I should only be so lucky for her to have me as her husband. I may deem myself unworthy, but her love for me overpowers any doubts I have. " _But she wants you_ ," Molly's voice flowed through my brain, being pushed to the surface suddenly.

 _Will she ever forgive me for this?_ I think. _Maybe, but not_ if _you've abandoned her completely_ , the small voice in my head whispered. The rage and anger slowly dissipated from my body like it was blown away by a gush of wind. _Harry was right_ , I think bitterly, _I was being selfish_. I inhaled deeply through my nose and released a sigh. I guzzled down the rest of my beer as if it would suddenly evaporate.

Regret. That was the emotion that hung to me like a leech. I had worked my entire life to subdue the beast in me, and in a matter of minutes, in a fit of anger, I had managed to fail miraculously. Had it really been me who had attacked Harry? In losing control, I had hurt Jame's son and someone I hold very dearly to my heart. I could only hope that Harry might somehow forgive me. I groaned harshly and ordered another beer on tap.


	2. The Order

_**Oh, let's go back to the start** _

**June 1995**

"Welcome, friends," Albus said with an air of cheerfulness. He beckoned us to take a seat around the long, elegant looking table, where a group of about twenty or so sat down in Number 12 Grimmauld Place. Some faces I recognized from the first Order, but some were young and new that I did not know. Sirius sat in the corner near Albus in his dog form. Albus remained standing as he started.

"I have been in contact with each of you individually and I must stress that each of you has my utmost trust. Before arriving here each of you has been given a slip of parchment with the address. I will ask you to please take those out now and burn them before me."

There was sounds of rustling of cloaks as people moved around in their seats. Wands out, several murmurs of "incendio" was muttered throughout the room.

"Now," he said, his voice taking a more serious tone, "you have all been made secret keeper and I ask you to be very cautious. Introductions must be in order, but first I must ask you to remain calm about what I will say next." He turned to Sirius and waved him forward. "If you will..." he said to him.

Sirius transformed into his human form, looking increasingly better groomed than when I first saw him, but his skin was still pasty against his face which looked pale, and there's a haunted quality in his eyes from thirteen years in Azkaban.

There was a small outrage from the majority of people in the room. Several people gasped or seemed to growl in hatred, while others were shell-shocked, frozen in their seats, mouths hanging open.

"Black!"

" _Murderer_...killed thirteen-"

"Silence!" Dumbledore said above the group, his voice took an authority at once. "Sirius Black is innocent. He was not secret-keeper for the Potters nor did he have any association with Voldemort." Several people winced at his name. "Peter Pettigrew was the traitor and there has been evidence to prove this to which shall be explained at a later time. Who you see before you is an innocent man who has suffered many years falsely accused. He has willingly allowed us to use his family home to our disposal as Headquarters for the Order."

Many faces looked unconvinced and doubtful, but from shock or respect for Dumbledore, they remained silent. "Please, have a seat, Sirius," Albus said as he sat down at the head of the table.

"For those of you who do not know, when Lord Voldemort first rose to power, I had formed a secret society that worked against him called the Order of the Phoenix. The day before last, Lord Voldemort has been reborn and the ministry fails to believe the inevitable truth. Voldemort will attempt to regain followers and rise to power once again. Our mission will, for the time being, be mostly underground work, as we try, to the best of our abilities, to ensure that he does not succeed.

"I will ask you all now to come forth and sign your name to this parchment," he finished, indicating the parchment resting on the table. I let others rise before me and caught Albus's gaze through his half-moon spectacles. His blue eyes seemed to dimly sparkle, and he bowed his head slightly, smiling at me. Walking forth was professors and aurors, a few Weasleys, ministry workers, even a young woman with bright pink hair.

After the meeting, which was mostly introductions, questions, and overviews from the last Order, everyone began leaving. Mrs. Black's began screaming obscenities as everyone passed her portrait.

"Mudbloods and traitors!"

"Thief! Half-bloods in the noble house of Black!"

"Beast!" She snarled at me as I walked by, Sirius trailing along behind me.

"Oh, shut it, dear mother," Sirius snapped at her, his voice like venom.

Together, Sirius and I managed to pull the curtains shut over her portrait, though she was still wailing. We began making our way towards the entryway where the last of the order members were making their way out the door. Albus and the woman with pink hair stood talking in the middle of the hall. "Now I remember why we never visited here during summer vacation," I said to Sirius as we walked.

"That's her being pleasant. Just imagine the real woman," Sirius laughed, giving me rough clap on the back.

"Good evening, gentlemen, Nymphadora," Dumbledore said, just before disapparating in silence.

The young woman, Nymphadora, I think Albus called her, stood lingering in the hallway, traces of a faint scowl on her face. She strode forward toward us, her scowl fading from her face, and I noticed that she wasn't at all unpleasant looking and her dark eyes seemed to sparkle in the light. There was a loud thud against the wooden floor as she knocked the umbrella stand over, and stumbled a bit. She mumbled under her breath words I couldn't hear and I felt my lips twitch upwards just briefly.

"Sirius," she breathed as she approached us. Her lips curved in a faint smile that reached her eyes. She looked almost timid, and to my shock, she leaned forward and engulfed him in a brief hug. When she pulled away, Sirius looked baffled and he stood awkwardly, swinging his arms back and forth.

"Er..."

"Silly me – sorry, I must seem mad," she said bashfully. "I'm Andromeda's daughter."

Sirius opened his mouth, and looked vaguely past her for a moment. Almost instantly he gasped, "Nymphadora!"

"Tonks, if you please," she told him instantly.

He acted as if he didn't hear her. "Your mother was my favorite cousin," he said reminiscing. "Yeah, she was alright. How is she?"

"She's fine, spending time with dad now that I'm out of her hair."

"Brilliant," he said. "It's mad, I haven't seen you since you were maybe this big-" he used his hand and hovered it beside him at his waist "- and you had red hair, not pink," he finished pointedly.

She laughed softly and her hair changed into a fire red shade. I had to blink my eyes a few times and looked at her again feeling astonished. "You're a metamorphmagus?" I said, intending it to be a question, but I sounded more enthused. I had never met someone with that ability before.

She turned her head to me and smiled. "I am," she said, "uhm...?" Her eyes darted back and forth a few times between me and Sirius, but he didn't seem to notice. Typical.

"Remus Lupin," I said, and extended my hand between us.

"Wotcher, Remus," she greeted and took my hand, shaking it briskly.

"Nice to meet you, Nymphadora."

A brief scowl played on her face. "Only call me Nymphadora if you want me to curse your bum off."

I smiled despite myself. This one was full of fire. "So what shall we call you then?"

"Tonks," she muttered. "Call me Tonks."

"You prefer your surname?" Sirius asked.

"Well," she teased, extending the word twice as long, "you would too if your mother named you _Nymphadora_." She scrunched her nose up and stuck out her tongue, making a sound like mock-gagging.

"I'd be glad to have traded mothers any time," he responded.

She shook her her head, eyes wide, as she groaned. "Reckon she'd be a bloody nightmare."

Sirius smirked at her, and his worn face was more relaxed than I remember seeing it for a long time. I know he was nervous about how his old acquaintances would respond to him after Azkaban, and Tonks seemed all right. "Moony and I were going to play a few games of Exploding Snap. It's been ages since I've gotten the pleasure of beating him. Care to join, _Tonks_?"

She moved past us in the direction of the front room. "Only if you don't mind losing to a girl," she called over her shoulder in a sing-song voice. I saw the faintest glint in her eyes before she turned her head forward. Sirius and I caught each others eyes and he smirked at me while I chuckled to myself in amusement.

She was going to make this all the more interesting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take a listen to The Scientist by Coldplay. It's hauntingly beautiful.


End file.
